LETHARGY

Sharp-edge knife stabs into me, grating like claw through my heart,
   I wake up each morning swallowing all the pain
Praying today would be different, hoping for a new start
   light disappears, consumed greedily by the dark,
       in the shadows of the past, I remain hidden.

The curtains fall, I try to recall all the promises we shared,
   this room is full of nondescript words since the day you left
I attempt to go out, still waiting for you under our shed
   Rain pours, cars pass, but my memories of you are shattered,
     this life has no meaning, no depth.

I stumble, crawl, walk the world eyes blindfold,
   the fracture in my head; i force to fix and mend
the sutures in my chest; imperishable and bold
   my soul is exploding, i need to find release,
     perhaps, i want this suffering to end.

I am your slave in distance; you are a coward invincible master.
   without you I am nothing; just insignificant number, a dust
I am a walking lie, buffoon; unafraid, morose, living with no luster
I am not happy, not even sad; I feel nothing human, empty inside,
  just a fool waiting for eternity to last.

I guess this poem somewhat reflects my feelings right now. I've been exploding deep inside but all my friends see is a jolly person who doesn't seem to bother about the world. Seriously, I have a serious problem these days. I'm on the verge of not graduating with my college degree because of some discrepancies on our thesis. Our final defense is merely three weeks from now but still, we have to come up with a new one. Damn, a thesis should be made within months not weeks dude. But our professor insisted on doing another one. Well, that's better than not passing. 

When I went home last night, course from school, my mother has an incredible radar for she had detected my unease. I went straight to my room, stripped off my dress and dug myself under the covers of my bed. I felt bad, uncertain of what I should do. My thesis mates already cried when we were in school. I just couldn't bring myself to that kind of grief. My mom went upstairs, barged through the door and asked, "What's wrong?"

I said, "Nothing. I'm just tired." It's one of the greatest lie I am not good at. I'm okay. BUT I WAS FALLING APART. Then, memories from the past two years of my life kept flashing before me. I kept the memories shut for years and they came unexpectedly. "No, not this time!" I told myself. I tried to sleep, forgetting how bad that day was, how I wanted the ground to split up just to swallow me whole. Damn, this is emotional torture. They just kept on coming back. But I knew, HE will never come back to me.

I had a dream that night. I was scanning his page on facebook and on tumblr. I saw he posted our pics, our old photos together. We've been together for just a month but our break up gave me hell. I loved him to the depths of the Underworld. But he said I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't know my priorities. What kind of a break-up excuse was that?! 

Then, in my dream, he wanted me to take him back to my life again. But that is too impossible. Why? It was just a dream, nothing more. 

When I woke up, realization hit me like a rock. I want to be with him again, start a new, hear him say my name again. My name is a whisper, a soft music from his lips, every letter is a lovely sound. My life is everything, not nothing. I am loved. I am different. I want him back. That's it. He's all that I want, all that I  need, and all that I'll ever be... after what he's said and done, I still love him.

This is the story behind this too dramatic poem. I just woke up feeling so low today. hmm... thank you for listening to me. :)

----A